I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
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GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.