When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.