Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Oh we’ve met.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”