@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
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Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”