I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
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What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
OKAY DAD
how to exercise your calf muscles
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me