I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
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My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.