[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
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He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke