Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
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I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.