I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
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The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate