My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least