We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
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Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Every damn time
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I need better friends
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
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I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving