what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
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The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively