A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
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The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
How do dragons blow out candles?