Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
You Might Also Like
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.