Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
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Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Spring cleaning checklist…
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Hello, my name is Pierre.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.