Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
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I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.