Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven