Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
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Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
(more comics:
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.