[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
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professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks