After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
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I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
181.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?