After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
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‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”