If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
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I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
*skinny dips into black hole
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.