“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
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“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
the #horror is real!
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help