My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
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[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.