sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
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“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.