I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
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[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
my astrological sign is a french fry
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class