HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
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In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.