I love twitter
You Might Also Like
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I’d use my best pan on you.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years