My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
You Might Also Like
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first