“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
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– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Jupiter
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.