90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school