[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
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Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Smells like a challenge to me
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens