You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides