Lo AND behold? in this economy?
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Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone