You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
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I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
*ernest hemingway voice*
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating