[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
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dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
being a writer on Twitter:
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?