The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
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[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
This anagram machine is out of order.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement