BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
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Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
The Birdles
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years