A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
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The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell