Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
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I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look