Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
pep talk
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
no regrets
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it