Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
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Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Many hands make light work
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
asked my bf how work was today
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her