Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
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The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
#SuperBowl
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Name this drama.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day