you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
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I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Dammit Chief not again
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall