me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
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What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
HOW DARE YOU
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?