My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
You Might Also Like
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I think the cat got the dog high.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.