Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
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I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
pat pat
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Just me and my debit card against the world