Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
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My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird