Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
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Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Did my cat write this
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.