you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
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My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”